How Can We Explain the TV Personality’s Racism – Paula Deen N-Word Controversy

Really? In 2013 America, one can be pretty positive that a derogatory term is going push some buttons. Also, a slave-themed wedding might not go down so hot. The only reason she wouldn’t immediately know both of those things is because she is not of our world. So I’m going to put something out there, and maybe it’s a little crazy, but so is blast-from-the-past racism. Maybe, just maybe, Paula Deen is an agent of evil. I’m serious.

At this point, I’m pretty convinced that Paula Deen was sent from hell to wreak havoc on our arteries and our souls. Honestly. When coming clean about her use of the N-word, the Food Network personality had the nerve to say, “I can’t myself determine what offends another person.”

I mean, the fact that she only got diabetes in the last three years shows that someone must’ve been looking out for her from down below. The woman probably eats more butter in a year than the entire continent of Africa (most of whom she’d like to cordially invite to serve at her brother’s slavery-themed wedding by the way. Any takers? ) and her pancreas made it past her teens? Bring me back to church, people — the devil is here. Because she loves slavery. And butter. And other things that were for sure created by Satan.

I get that this might sound dubious, but Deen’s blatant lack of regret is all sorts of wrong. Trying to use the fact that she was born in a segregated time to excuse her racism? Wasn’t she alive to see all the progression we made since the mid-20th century? No she wasn’t, because she’s a fictional person that was still getting a nice tan in hell right about that time. CALLING YOU ON IT.

I’d also like to point out that by the time segregation was outlawed, Deen was only seven (in human years). By the time she was old enough to have an opinion, the whole black-people-are-inferior thing had been out the door for a good amount of time. But Deen is simply an ageless demon who sat in front of the fire with Satan drinking some great vino made from the tears of slaves before thinking, you know what would be fricking hilarious? If I touted myself as a Southern cook and, under the guise of good ol’ Southern values, instilled racism and heart disease in the souls and guts of millions of people. And Satan turned to her and was like, “Damn Paula, girl, what would I do without you? That’s GENIUS!” And then they high-fived and did shots of Jagermeister because that’s also something that was invented in hell.