This time it’s Sandra Bullock who’s giving us grief, thanks to her unending need to prove to us that she’s the most endearingly likable and goofily normal famous person around. Who is also funny. And smart. And cool. And also a role model. Ugh. We get it, Sandra — you’re so goofy and charming and learned how to rap to impress boys in high school. Wooo hoo! Good for you! Isn’t that great? Aren’t you just the peach’s cobbler! Another day, another celebrity scandal.
Bullock took to the UK’s popular Jonathan Ross Show while on the Gravity promotional rounds to lay down a couple fresh rhymes for the unknowing audience. And while she’s no Feminem (that title’s reserved for the truly special white lady rappers out there), her take on “Rapper’s Delight” by the Sugarhill Gang was something to behold.
I mean, sure, I suppose it’s great to see one of the world’s true-in-every-sense, capital-lettered Movie Stars doing something so comically normal — if you’re a boring and unthinking rube! Learning an arbitrary but cool-at-the-time skill to impress someone you may or may not have wanted to put your face on in high school is cool, I guess — if you’re into things like funny anecdotes from nice people! But who likes that stuff? Nobody worth knowing, that’s who!
Sandra Bullock rapping is just a goddamn national travesty. I mean, how am I supposed to write about this event? There’s no angle! No anger! Nothing to bitch and moan about — which means the Internet probably won’t read it, so I won’t pull in any good page views and then I’ll get fired! Do you want me to lose my job, Sandy? Of course you don’t! You’re a nice person.
So how dare you just do normal funny, idiosyncratic human things! First, she was all, “Oh, I have chickens named after comedians and love my son!” Then she made a totally game-changing film that’s all anyone can talk about. And then she just haaaaad to go and remind us what a boss-ass feminist she is, of course! Gah. Enough with the adopting of children and overcoming douchetastic husbands. Oh and also maybe proving to George Clooney that he is capable of being in love and he might already be, he just don’t know it yet (Or, in the very least, has very few reasons we can accept as to why they haven’t just dated already)? Which, thank goodness they’re not dating because a.) true love is icky and only for the movies, and b.) “too much of a good thing” is a saying.
Now I have nothing to write about that’s controversial or hook-y. So then what? What am I supposed to do? Just go around writing a bunch of nice nice nice stuff? That’s not what the Internet is for! Why can’t you be more like the Kardashians, or Madonna, or Miley Cyrus? We already have Jennifer Lawrence. And everyone knows that this world is not big enough for more than one fully-beloved celebrity per year. So pump the goddamn breaks, you perfectly wonderful-seeming and utterly charming adult womanperson.
DAMN YOU, BULLOCK!